Monday, October 3, 2011

A Werewolf Attack

Good evening blogger friends! This is my first post for MonsterFest 2011, and I have devoted it to the various (possible) methods of defending yourself from a Werewolf attack!
(Of course, it'll help if you're hugely muscled and totally kick ass like say Hugh Jackman, or that guy that plays Eric on True Blood **sigh**)

But for us normal folk, let me spin you a little story...

You're walking home. Its a few weeks until Halloween and it's just barely cold enough to see your breath puff out in front of you as you cut through the closed up housing project at the edge of town. You pass the houses that actually got finished before the development ran out of money. Slowly the other houses get a little less, and less done until there's nothing but concrete slabs on the ground. The exposed wood has gone moldy, and the tarps used to cover some of the open areas have long since blown off. You walk into the last section, still mostly treed, and look for the bike path that leads to your street.

The moon is shining up above, and there's a little layer of fog on the ground. You just spot the bike path when you hear something snap behind you. You whirl, but there's nothing there. You can't see anything beyond the edge of the road. You stand absolutely still...

You shake your head and roll your eyes. You're being ridiculous. All those pre-Halloween marathons are getting to your head. You start walking again.

Another branch snaps, this time in front of you. Your heart begins to race, and you walk a little faster. You hear something growl, and you stick your hand into your purse to dig out your pepper spray. By the time you hear heavy, crunching steps you're flat out running down the path.

There's a light up ahead. About three hundred feet in front of you the bike path connects with your street. There's a streetlight right there at the end. If you can only make it into the light...

Something appears in the road ahead of you. One second your way was clear, and then the next completely obstructed. The figure is tall and hunched. It's back is heaving with its breath. You think it might be an injured person at first, but then it swings its massive head in your direction and flashes rows of razor sharp teeth at you. It's breath blows out in massive white puffs.


What to do?


1. Don't climb a tree. Werewolves are excellent climbers.

2. Don't scream. I mean, of course you're going to scream, but you shouldn't. They like it when you scream.

3. Running is a good idea... if you're superhuman and can somehow outrun a beast going upwards of 30 mph.

4. Your pepper spray should be totally helpful, of course by the time the thing is close enough for you to spray it (provided you don't get yourself, seeing as how you're shooting it off in the dark while you're screaming your head off) it's probably got it's super sharp claws in your gut. But hey, you got the last laugh right? I mean, it's going to be real angry that it's eyes are all stingy, and you're going to just chuckle... oh wait, you're dead.

5. You could hide in the woods! If you smelled like moss and were small enough to to be completely out of its crazy-night-werewolf-vision.

6. Playing dead is a great prelude to actually being dead.

Sounding a little hopeless? That's because we're talking about a WEREWOLF and unless you have a heavy duty pickup truck, silver tipped acrylic nails, or the brawn of Dwayne Johnson chances are, you're not making it to that streetlight.

Lesson?

1. Carry wolfs bane in your purse, since apparently you can't stay away from creepy abandoned places around the full moon.

2. Make the under-wire of your bra out of silver filament. That ought to be a surprise.

3. Keep an old school thermometer on hand. Mercury is the key. When the thing pins you on the ground and opens its gross wolfy mouth (complete with the ever present glob of drool) shove that sucker in there and break it. Then while its mouth is dissolving run off and get that truck I mentioned earlier. Back over it a few times, just to be sure.

4. Walk everywhere with Dwayne Johnson. Duh.

5. Get yourself with the pepper spray on purpose. The thing will probably take one look at you, say, "Nah, too easy" and run off to find someone less pathetic.

6. Don't be an idiot and walk around in the dark alone. (Besides werewolves, there are your average everyday criminals, and while they're not really that tough to hurt, neither are you.)

Oh, and this may be helpful. An old Belgian myth says that no house is safe from a Werewolf unless its built in the shadow of a Mountain Ash. (Disclaimer** Mountain Ash is mostly native to Europe, eastern Canada and the Northeast US.)

So maybe you could somehow find a Mountain Ash, while your scared, and its pitch black, and foggy, and stand under it...??

I don't know. Bottom line, you see a Werewolf in real life, chances are you're more likely to crap your pants than actually get out of there alive.

My suggestion? Invest in some silver jewelry.

Toodles!

(Ok, one little aside- I'm not a crazy person who thinks werewolves are real. Just thought I should put that out there. If you believe in them, sorry I called you a crazy person...)



7 comments:

  1. "I mean, of course you're going to scream."

    And a bra and nails made of silver? Genius, expensive, AND classy!

    You are hilarious. Please do more of these.

    (Also: I actually do think werewolves are real. NOW who's crazy?)

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  2. No mention of Taylor Lautner and the wolves of Twilight? What kind of monster is this? Give me some half naked man-meat please.

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  3. Ha! Awesome. Now I totally know what to do in case of a werewolf attack. Knowing is half the battle!

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  4. This was awesome!!! I'm with Leigh Ann - I'd love to read more of these :-) What a wonderful approach.

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  5. Way to set the scene, it was priceless.

    -Aaron

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  6. Thanks for the lesson.

    This was a spooky post. I'm glad I just woke up, rather than reading this before going to bed.

    Have a great weekend.

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  7. What about singing? If you sing and dance, they may think you're crazy and leave you be. After all, in natural selection, crazy probably means genetically imperfect, so who wants to eat that?

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